I swiftly maneuver into the speedy checkout lane at a store that shall remain nameless (cough, Shwal-Shmart...), ready to purchase my two items in the speediest of the speedy of ways here at this lovely speedy checkout. My mood immediately falls as I lay my eyes on the two Shwal-Shmart shoppers in front of me.
Line Staller Number One is an elderly woman with approximately twenty-four items and twelve coupons. Her white hair bounces in a fluffy pouf as she digs in her massive handbag to hunt down more money saving newspaper clippings. My frustration grows and I groan internally and roll my eyes.
As Line Staller Number One doles out coupon after coupon in the most un-speedy manner possible, Line Staller Number Two suddenly decides that her box of flash frozen corn dogs are not nearly satisfactory enough for her family to feast upon. She ditches her cart full of (I counted) thirteen items to go fetch a pristine cardboard cube full of processed pig covered in squishy corn-tasting bread, all stuck through with a wooden skewer.
My eyes scan every nearby aisle to find a more suitable line to queue in, to no avail. I am stuck between the two slowest people ever. I am trapped in this situation, handcuffed to my position in this torturous chain of customers.
Line Staller Number Two returns just in time for Line Staller Number One to shuffle away, her pouf springing with every step. Line Staller Number Two puts her groceries on the scanning table at a snail's pace. She pays in cash, counting out every dollar.
At this point, I am cursing myself for even daring to think of coming to Shwal-Shmart. Why oh why do I always have to put up with these absurd creatures, slinking into the fast lane with more than twenty items in their carts! Such acts are unacceptable.
Why bother having speedy checkout lanes if many people abuse their power? Why are the rules not more stirctly enforced? Why, WHY is there not a coupon lane? Five coupons or more? BAM, coupon lane.
I go to Shwal-Shmart for cheap deals, fast service, and creepy cashiers. I do not visit this FINE establishment to be cemented into the ground in my position in line. No person wishes for these things.
Slow shoppers pose a risk not only to other shoppers, but to themselves. Slow Black Friday shoppers can be trampled or even killed by the speedy feet. Shopping is a dangerous sport. Those carts can do some serious damage. Angry customers can become irate in a very short span of time. Bad, bad, bad.
I call out to you, my fellow cheap shoppers: shop with the swiftness of the coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon. Assert your right to shop in speed mode.
Do not be one of those people. Do not make your fellow consumers despise you. Go about your shopping, and use the appropriate line for your item count. As always, enjoy your trip to Shwal-Shmart and let those employees know if you need help finding anything.
Bri, I ♥ Wal-Mart! But I dislike slow check-outers as well. "Express lanes" and "Speedy Check-out lanes" are meant to move along quickily and efficiently. People dfinitely do misuse them. I liked how you called them "Line Staller Number One" and "Line Staller Number Two". I can see your voice very clearly here. As I was reading it, I could hear your voice speaking it in my head! Ahhhhh, that means it's good. Your logical points are very interesting, pointing out that people can be trampled or killed if they are slow shoppers on Black Friday. I love the word "avail". "Bad, bad, bad." Good lauding there! Thanks for sharing this!
ReplyDelete