The Pantaloon problem

                          

       Once upon a time, not so long ago, a great man flew to stardom in the public eye. This moral soldier promulgated a prophetic vision: a vision of a brighter and more beautiful future for the United States. His message bore the ability to reshape the youth of America.
     
      The man: General Larry Platt.
    
      His admonishment: “quit lookin’ like a fool with your pants on the ground.”   
    
      Today, General Platt’s caveat lives on.
     
       For too long, the nation of the United States of America has been plagued with baggy back pockets and protruding boxers. For too long, high school students—both male and female—have been forced to walk up stairs behind those who believe in “stickin’ it to the man” by smiling over their waistbands at passerby. For too long, young suburban boys and girls have thought that, by dropping their jeans, they could appear “gangsta”.
   
     This delusion must be stopped.
    
     Sagging is, altogether, a failed fashion statement. The sagging movement originated in the U.S penal system, where prisoners are not permitted to have belts for security reasons. Later, hip-hop idols such as Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre popularized the dropping of jeans. In the rap profession, sagging almost makes sense: it adds to the “tough, gangsta” look that helps rappers sell CDs.
    
      However, high school students living in the suburbs have no need to appear “gangsta.” There is nothing "ghetto" about East High. St. Peters is not "the hood." As a matter of fact, St. Peters Missouri was ranked by a 2010 census as one of the top one-hundred American cities to dwell in. See anything "gangsta" about that?
     
      Aside from being unnecessary, the sagging movement is also an eyesore. Some blatant saggers believe that, by dropping their jeans, they look rebellious and sexy. Such a belief couldn’t be father from accurate: there is nothing attractive about seeing someone’s cheeks wiggling about as that person passes by. If anything, the sagging look is disgruntling and laughable. Why wear pantaloons in a way that makes the world avert its sensitive eyes? Why hang those trousers so low that people mock?
   
      In addition to creating a disgraceful appearance, the sagging statement can also hurt the odds of employment for young people. Managers looking to hire oftentimes judge their prospective workers on dress. The sloppy appearance of sagging jeans can make an otherwise perfectly eligible future employee seem undesirable. What big boss would hire someone who chooses to imitate prison fashions?
   
     Finally, as well as hurting one's employment options, sagging can also have negative health implications. According to the National Medical Association’s posture specialist Aaron Parnell, the practice of sagging can lead to lower back complications, hip damage, knee and foot issues, erectile dysfunctions, and other physiological complications. Is any fashion statement worth causing oneself so much future discomfort?
     
     Why mess up one’s body just to flaunt one's boxers?
     
     In conclusion, action must be taken. The sagging epidemic plaguing mankind must be stopped. Where does the answer lie? What can be done, to combat this newly-arisen fashion atrocity? The solution is really quite simple:
    
      Buy a belt.
    
     Buy pants that fit.
    
     Pull them up over where the sun isn’t meant to shine.
     
     In wearing one’s pants correctly, one acts for the benefit of all mankind: one protects the women, the old, and the little children from being exposed to one's indecent exposure. One also avoids harming oneself by decreasing the likelihood of future, trouser-related bodily complications, increasing the odds for future employment, and avoiding the embarrassment of having one’s adorable little undies peak out.
     
     Finally, one saves oneself from looking like an uberposer. Face it, East High isn’t East St. Louis. St. Peters is not “in the hood.”
    
    There are no “gangstas” here.
    
    So please, FZE students, pull those pants up. Act in self-interest and act in honour of General Larry Platt's message. Do not let a great man's valuable preachings be forgotten.
    
    Don’t be lookin’ like a fool with your pants on the ground.
    
    Please, try to actually wear your clothing.